Ok, so I'm sporadic when it comes to posting-maybe I just have good news only once every 6 months!! LOL
My relationship with MC has completely evolved for the better in these last 6 months. We now have a rock solid commitment, are living together and even talking about getting a new place, and he spouts the L word more than I do these days..ha!!! I got everything that I was holding out for and then some.
He tells me I'm the love of his life, and that he wants to spend his life with me. Unfortunately none of this was said while he was holding a diamond or down on a knee, but it's definitely progress!
We're still working out small little kinks in our thing, but all in all we have a very healthy, solid relationship. I can't imagine spending my life without him.

How is it that when things are good with us, they aren't just "good", they're blissfully amazing, and when they're bad, I'm left feeling like I've been kicked repeatedly in the stomach?

Let me start here.

  MC and I have a lot of passion in our relationship. We're passionate about our hobbies, we have passionate discussions, fight passionately, and of course, have extremely passionate sex. Nothing is ever "ho-hum" with this man; everything is done at full throttle, and that's one of the things I love the most about him. The problem is, those passionate fights we have don't always have to be. I'm a pretty level headed person and prefer to talk things out and do my best to not let them escalate. MC is just explosive, when sometimes it's wholly unneccesary. He recognizes this problem and has been doing a fantastic job of keeping his head in check lately, taking walks and cooling down, then calmly discussing the issue at hand. We haven't had a major fight in weeks because of this, and it's been wonderful that we've been able to resolve issues so quickly and move past them.

Last night he didn't do so well. Mind you, it wasn't a "knock down drag out" event, but it got a lot more heated than it should have over the issue at hand. (ok, just a quick disclaimer over my 'knock down' comment: MC is NOT physically abusive and never has been, it was just a figure of speech) The night started off on a great foot. Everyone was content in their own projects, and I was preparing a fabulous Sunday dinner, slaving a bit but ultimately proud and anxious to get it on the table to see everyone's "MMM" faces. In the middle of throwin' down, I asked MC if he could please run to get a bag of ice.

             You would have thought that I just asked him to go look for a cure for cancer.

He ranted and raved about the ice tray not being full and if it had he wouldn't have to go and blah blah blah- I have one ice tray and 4 people. It happens. He literally dove off the deep end about this damn ice, making a major situation about something that never should have been an issue in the first place! Ultimately he went, but not without grumbling and bitching his way out the door.

 At that point level headed me went out the damn door and I turned into a walking firebomb.

He came back, calm, cool and collected, wrapping an arm around my waist as I prepared/served (see: threw)dinner, sweetly asking if he could help and 'babe that looks delicious'.

 It took all the strength I had to not chuck the cornish hen at him right there, but I didn't want to waste it. Instead I angrily pulled away from him and told him as unsweetly as possible that he was welcome to make a plate. He, of course picked up on my subtle signals and copped an attitude, looking at ME like I was crazy for being upset.

After that I was so heated that I would have burned my dinner by looking at it too hard, and lost all sense of my once voracious appetite. THAT pissed me off too, because I was looking forward to that dinner all day and now he had me so pissed I didn't want to eat it. BLAST HIM!!! I decided to take a note out of his book and take a walk..all I got was winded, so I came home and kept my distance. It didn't even take a half an hour for him to call me into the bedroom where he was hiding and try to make up with me. Oh and he pulled out all the big guns..the puppy dog eyes, the sweet little kisses and big apologies, and once again "babe dinner was delicious". I just listened, but was not amused.

For the moment the ice pick is buried, and order has once again been restored, but I'm not feeling super lovey dovey for him today- as a matter of fact I'm feeling just a little bit hostile as he is not my favorite person right now. I understand couples fight, and I don't wish for that to stop; it's healthy. I just want the ride to slow down a bit so I can at least enjoy the scenery.

"Ladies and Gents, welcome to the most stomach-flopping, hair twisting, face distorting rollercoaster around! The ride moves fast and takes sharp turns, so please,fasten your safety harnesses and keep limbs inside the car at all times..and of course, don't forget to enjoy the ride..."

So there's my little Carny-ish disclaimer. My life is VERY much like a ride when it comes to MC, complete with the stomach-flipping drops at the blink of an eye.
I never know which way is up with this man, and it's getting to the point where I feel I must tread lightly around him. One minute he loves me and it's kissy kissy baby baby, the next, he barely squeaks out two words to me, and if he does, it's to tell me I hold him back from his life. I feel like I'm always kissing up to him just to keep the peace and I hate that. The ass kisser of the whole thing is that he KNOWS he is wishy washy like that, but doesn't know how to fix it.
Bottom line: I'm emotionally exhausted.
I don't know how he does it. I love this man with everything I have, but once in a while he will do something so amazing that I'm almost lightheaded and I fall for him even more. These days it's how he is with my daughter; MC is an artist, and a damn talented one at that. My 9 year old is a budding artist herself, and it seems that MC has found in her a little apprentice. Now he is asking to take her with him to his friends' houses when he goes (they are also an artistic group) so he can show her off with the work she's done. He is so proud of her and never fails to tell me how much he loves her, which is a very big deal being that her father bailed on her, so I've always been both parents to her and she's never really had a "dad" figure. So of course, I've got stars in my eyes for him whenever he waxes on about her. He even wants to take HER with him to his family reunion in July...to Texas. (I live in IL) He didn't even invite ME!! How crazy is that?
He does all this and claims to love me and my "baggage", so I just don't understand when he goes off on the other side of the spectrum. Damn these sharp turns!

So things are still the same, or at the very least, any changes have not been verbalized. We are a couple, plain and simple. I just hate the fact that he refuses to admit that out loud. What makes it worse is that he's constatly bringing up marriage and getting engaged, even calling me his "fiancee" a few times. In fact, just last night he asked me what kind of ring I would want if he ever proposed to me. (Ok, in fairness, he asked me this while we were watching the movie Blood Diamond and I mentioned how I may never want a diamond again after seeing it. ) The crazy thing is I honestly think we're gonna end up married. I think one day soon he's just gonna slap himself and wake the hell up and realize what we are and what we have together. It's just this waiting dance that I'm doing in the meantime that's driving me bonkers.
What s a person supposed to do in a situation like this? If this was just any other ordinary cat I would run fast in the other direction, but with MC, I feel like if I just stick it out, what I want will come to pass. I'm hung up on what's gonna happen next, and if I let him go, I don't know if I could stand the "what might have beens". He's threatened to leave a few times, and has once or twice, but our breakups never last more than a few days, then he's on the other end of my phone telling me how much he misses me; then there's me of course, feeling like my very soul is crushed while he's gone, and as soon as I hear him say that, all the pieces seem to fit back together again. GOD! I wanna kick my OWN ass just for even admitting that!
I don't know what he did to me or why he has this effect on me. I've never been so thunderstruck over anyone, and I was engaged twice! I truly feel like he's my other half, and I KNOW he feels the same way but I hate the fact that he won't say so. He's not super verbal about his feelings to me, but his actions speak volumes...He tends to come to bed later than I do. He always thinks I'm sound asleep, but in reality I'm a pretty light sleeper, so I feel him there. He does this little ritual almost every night: gently sweeps my hair out of my eyes, kisses my forhead, my cheek, and my lips, then wraps his arms around me tightly and falls asleep. Almost. Every. Night. Don't get me wrong, he's an affectionate enough guy during the day too, but not like this. It's almost like he puts on this tough guy act while we're both coherant, butt then when the lights go out, he pulls out the sweet stuff, almost like he doesn't want me to see that side of him. Strange.

I'm realizing now that I'm probably boring you or giving you a massive dental emergency, so I'll close up shop for today. Leave me any advice you can, it's much appreciated...Lucy, I'm especially talking to you..C.i.a needs this!

So I used to have a blog here at the stream- I guess technically I still do but it's under lock and key for reasons that will become evident later.
I thought I would start fresh, this time leaving out revealing things like pictures, and oh, I dunno, REAL NAMES? Apparently Google is alot more thourough than I gave them credit for. And in my defense, I used nicknames, but one that was known by more people than myself. My bad.
So I'm in a quasi-relationship with someone I like to call MC (by the way, those are NOT his initials). MC and I met exactly one year ago and have been practically inseperable since that *drunken* night-oops- He was supposed to be the "one night stand", but one night has turned into 365, and now I'm completely, hoplessly in love with him- (funny how that works huh?) He basically lives with me- you know what? Fuck the "basically", he does live with me. He's here 7 nights a week, his clothes are here, he sleeps in my bed, showers here, and even sits with my kids without me even asking him to. You're probably reading this now asking me what the issue is, it sounds like he's my live in boyfriend right? WRONG! We have a "No-Commitment policy", at least on his end. I'm not allowed to sleep with, hang out with or recieve phone calls from other men or he's done with me. What's good for this goose tho is not good for his gander. When we fight, he never fails to remind me that we "are not together". What the fuck are we then? And yes! Go ahead and say it- I KNOW I'm an idiot, but thank you for driving it home. I CAN"T let him go- whenever he threatens to leave, my heart starts to beat so fast that I think my chest may cave in and I think I just may pass out from sheer sadness and terror. Now I know what else you may be thinking, and I'm not scared I'll end up alone- Getting a man is NOT a problem; hell, I can catch a man like I catch a bus, every 15 minutes. Problem is, the only one I want is HIM. He is everything I ever wanted in a guy, and the fact that I found all of that in him is what keeps me around. Do you know how hard it is to find that?? He stimulates every part of me, and even after a year of seeing him everyday, at his best and very worst, he still gives me butterflies whenever he comes near me...the hair on the back of my neck stands up whenever I catch him looking at me...and just kissing him causes me to have to stop and catch the breath he takes away...Yes, it's like corny romance novel shit and I'm getting a toothache just writing this stuff, and laughing at myself for being such a moron, but it's the truth. I've been engaged twice, and no man has ever had such a profound effect on me.
There is SOOO much more to this that I want to share, but I'm gonna take a break for now and collect my thoughts so they make sense to you. Thanks for reading!